If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
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so i’m at the stock market right
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.