Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
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Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.