Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
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I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
The best plant holders?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help