I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
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Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Every. Damn. Time.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Thinking about Jeff
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first