My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
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Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Ummm
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Just a reminder, folks:
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.