8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
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Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
We avoided this particular disaster
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Bloody internet 😳