police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
You Might Also Like
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
craving $300 all of a sudden
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
grotesque if literal: baby food
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR