Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
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My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
This is why I hate group projects
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.