Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
You Might Also Like
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
A little too much information.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix