Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
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Incredible customer service.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
the icebreaker
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
This was a bad idea all around
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.