I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
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*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.