“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
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7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
just got my engagement photos
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*