I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
#titanic
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Ok, but like, how married are you?
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.