Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
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I put the h in mysterious.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
My beach vacation Google searches
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.