My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.