*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
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MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Growing out my freckles.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…