Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT