How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
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If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”