Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Why soy sad?
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Cinematography is my passion
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother