Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
You Might Also Like
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
🤣🤣
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…