Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
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My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
reviewed some movies recently
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.