Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT