My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Them: You should try keto
Me:
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!