General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
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seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
BaD BoY!!
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.