Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
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My safe word is Worcestershire
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Sign at work today