I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
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cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one