Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
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Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Thoughts
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.