Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
You Might Also Like
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
it’s finally my moment to shine
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Meow
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.