ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
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ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.