The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
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*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels