I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
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Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
This checks out
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Growing out my freckles.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I’m already scared
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too