Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Happens to everyone.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.