Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
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GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
the icebreaker
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Well well well…
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Grandmother clock.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.