Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
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Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
#Caturday
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.