Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
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what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
🤣🤣
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.