I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
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So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane