I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
only 11 steps left
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop