I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?