Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
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The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs