it is time once again
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U