Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
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[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me sliding into hell like
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*