TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
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MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.