Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
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The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
True.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that