Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
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Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.