you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
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I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out