Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
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A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!