Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
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Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.