-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
You Might Also Like
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.