I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
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Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
me when i see my girls butt