“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
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Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.